Passion For Death
by Delenn
Summary: ADD: 08-07-02. 14-A, a series with four characters (one each) will have more in common then you first would suspect. NO PAIRINGS, sligh angst B/S.
1. Drive

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em! At least all the normal characters you recognize, I'm just borrowing the said characters. If I owned them, you could guarantee BtVS wouldn't be nearly such a good show as it is now! The story, my ego, and my soul belong to me, but if you want to give a kind donation, *ahem* I'll loan 'em out! LOL. J/K.   
  
Author's Notes: This is the first in a series of letters between the most unlikely, and likely people. There will be four in the "Passion for Death" series: Drive, Reasons, Escape, and Heaven. The first is from Spike's POV, the second is from Darla's POV, the third is from Buffy's POV, and the fourth is from Dawn's POV. These four characters will have more in common then you first would suspect. NO PAIRINGS.   
  
Summary: If you could write one letter, one honest to god letter, and bare your soul to one person. Who would it be? The person who drove you, molded you into what you became?   
  
Song: "You better lose yourself in the moment… you only get one shot, do not miss your chance…" Lose Yourself - Eminem   
  
Rating: 14-A for language and violence**   
  


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Drive  
First in the "Passion For Death" series  
By ~Delenn~

  
  
  
  
Great-Grandsire,   
  
I know, you're thinking why the fuck would I write you. Bloody hell, ask me even a month ago I'd've said the same. O' course, I'd've been lying. Then, you'd've at least figured I had someone better to write to then you.   
  
Fact is, I don't.   
  
Thing is, you're still a bloody bint, and I'd be soddin' off my rocker to think of you as anything else. Don't be mistaken, I still hate you, we still hate each other. I'm not that delusional.   
  
You always warned me that messing around with Slayers was going to get me killed one day. Guess you were right. But hell, woman, I've done a lot more with this one then the last two, even if I didn't kill her. Don't even start with me on this, I did kill two Slayers, a damn sight more then Peaches ever accomplished.   
  
Thing is, I wrote to you because I always figured I'd write this to my greatest critic, but the person who understood me. Call it the last sense of poetic justice I still have.   
  
I doubt you understand me, but you've sure gone out of your bloody way to be my greatest critic. Never could do anything right for you, could I? Always figured this would be a chronicle of my accomplishments, but I'm sure you'll be the first to point out what's become of me.   
  
But, damn you; this was not even five years out of over a hundred and twenty! So, why am I really writing to you? Probably the masochist in me, begging to have my last shred of hope destroyed; that's what the Slayer would have said anyway.   
  
I'll be straight, and act like a soddin' poof. Everything I ever accomplished in the last century was because of you.   
  
It was you who never, ever, gave me the approval I craved. Sad to admit that stupid wanker has been alive and well inside me all along. But it was you who drove me. Peaches never cared about me one way or another. If I was good, he said so; if I was bad, he threatened me. Never had the balls to act on it though, not like you. Peaches' always been all talk and no action, but I suppose you know that. I was Dru's knight, no matter what, that was how she was going to think of me.   
  
You picked apart my every action and came up with what a failure I was. Never did one thing right in your eyes, no matter how hard I tried, and you were damn vocal about it, weren't you?   
  
I killed the Slayers to prove I was worth something, and it was you I was proving it to. Hell, before that even, I got my name trying to prove I was a real vampire to you.   
  
Remember the first time I used a railroad spike? I took the spike and impaled four blokes working there. Then I pulled out the stake and their hearts came too, left them with their eyes still open, bleeding like stuck pigs. Hearts still beating, four of them, one for each of us; mine as a trophy. I mean, at least you thought that was funny, didn't you? Said something about how maybe in a couple centuries I could play on the same court with the real vampires. Went on to say, you did, that at least I could _impale_ something.   
  
You always were a stupid cow. Even so, never figured how you stood Peaches for so long. Actually, hear you two are back together now? Can't say I'm surprised, but just keep him away from here.   
  
Despite it all, I did everything for you, and my princess. Killed little children and Slayers, raped girls 'Bit's age, tortured thousands, and still, nothing. I was the Big Bad because of you, and you never even congratulated me.   
  
Defeated the Annoying One too, became a Master Vampire, one of the big boys, and still, nothing. Well, didn't rightly expect it then, you were gone, but I figured now. Stop in and say, "Hey, I was wrong, you're not a fuck-up." Couldn't give me the satisfaction though, could you?   
  
Fuck, though, doesn't matter now.   
  
I wrote this to resolve this _thing_ we have. 'Cause, damn it, I never rightly saw us as enemies. Almost figured that, if you weren't such a haughty bitch, we might've gotten on.   
  
See, even with this soddin' chip, I'm still bad, still wanted to be at least. And the Slayer, well, I figured that if she wouldn't have me, I'd have her. You would have liked my reasoning at least, 'cause you see the chip doesn't work on her anymore. Suppose it was expected that I pushed her too far, being an evil vampire and all.   
  
I raped her, she staked me. Kind of a fitting suicide for a vampire, death by the Slayer's hand, surrounded in violence and pain; at least, I thought it was fitting. I know you always said survival was the most important thing, but with this chip, I wasn't really undead anymore.   
  
So, as you probably know, you get one letter down here. Finish what you have to finish. Well, I finished it in Sunnyhell, all right, I have nothing to say to Dru or Peaches, and that left you. Right unfinished you were.   
  
Hope unlife works out better for you this time around.   
  
-Your great-grandchilde - Spike 


	2. Reasons

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em! At least all the normal characters you recognize, I'm just borrowing the said characters. If I owned them, you could guarantee BtVS wouldn't be nearly such a good show as it is now! The story, my ego, and my soul belong to me, but if you want to give a kind donation, *ahem* I'll loan 'em out! LOL. J/K.   
  
Author's Notes: This is the second in a series of letters between the most unlikely, and likely people. There will be four in the "Passion for Death" series: Drive, Reasons, Escape, and Heaven. The first is from Spike's POV, the second is from Darla's POV, the third is from Buffy's POV, and the fourth is from Dawn's POV. These four characters will have more in common then you first would suspect. NO PAIRINGS.   
  
Summary: Darla's reply, and an explanation of her reasons for driving Spike, which might be surprising.   
  
Song: "You better lose yourself in the moment… you only get one shot, do not miss your chance…" Lose Yourself - Eminem   
  
Rating: 14-A for language and violence**   
  


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Reasons   
Second in the "Passion For Death" series  
By ~Delenn~

  
  
  
  
Great-Grandchilde,   
  
I suppose the thought "why the fuck would Spike write to me!?" did cross my mind. Only for a second though, and only because I well know how you would have reacted a month ago to the idea. I would have suspected you'd choose anyone to write to but me though. You were always a stubborn and lousy liar.   
  
Fact is, you're still an insolent little bastard, and that's on the good days. But I never hated you, Spike, and I still don't.   
  
Oh, fuck, Spike, another Slayer? I told you, didn't I? And I was right. I'm always right. I didn't want to be, you know, I knew there would be one Slayer too many for each of us; didn't count on it being the same Slayer though. I won't go into those two you killed, but there was a reason I never let Angelus hunt Slayers, it's too dangerous!   
  
Poetic justice, HA! Spike, there never was a poet in you; forget enough of one to die. And I'm glad I was your greatest critic, because I do understand you. Don't you fucking laugh, I understand a lot more then you give me credit for, Spike.   
  
Oh, my childe, it hurts me what happened to you. In love with the Slayer! Spike, you really disappointed me, and it takes a lot to disappoint me. But as for the chip, I never would have wished that on my worst enemy, Spike, and you are by far not my worst enemy.   
  
Of course, I didn't let you off the fucking hook! Angelus and Drusilla would have been content to see you rot away as just another stupid childe! I drove you for a reason Spike; you were never good enough because you never tried hard enough! And I am not going to approve of sloppy work. The Slayer's were sloppy work, Spike, be enough of a vampire now to admit it. I was vocal about it because someone had to point out the strategic flaws, the stupid actions, and the rash kills! It's not enough to become a vampire, Spike, you have to BE a vampire.   
  
Yes, I remember when you killed those men, I couldn't forget. It was good, clean work. Smart like a vampire should me. I liked it, I found it funny, they way you took their weaknesses and exploited them. I see the unspoken question though, the 'why.' Why did I insult you after such good work? Because it was good work, Spike, you were capable of GREAT work. That was something I would have complimented Angelus for, and never would have expected for Drusilla, but you… it was child's play to you, and you know it.   
  
See, Spike, I know you; I respect you, that's WHY I drove you so hard. I was a Master Vampire for centuries before you were expelled from your human mother's womb. You didn't need a friend, Spike, you needed a teacher, and I tried to teach you.   
  
But please, don't fool yourself into believing that when you screwed little children into oblivion and killed them with screams of terror still on their lips; that you were thinking of me. You did that, because, that's what vampires do, that's what I do, that's what you do. You were the Big Bad because it was easy, and I don't award easy wins.   
  
William, I know you, but you never bothered to get to know me. You think I woke up one morning, yesterday, with the knowledge of four hundred years, the torture of a demon, and the hate of being a whore! You think that it hasn't influenced my every move for four hundred years that when I was still a child I men used me for their pleasure. Never even wondered why I only kill men, whores, and children? Why I only feel pleasure with pain? The demon is the mold of what you were as a human ripped to shreds and reformed to cause pain to others. A _great_ vampire takes the pain of mortality and delivers it in sharp, precise, brutal blows.   
  
Yeah, Spike, I know you. I know how you wanted to take all those people who used you and made fun of you and tare off limbs. But you didn't, because that would be sloppy, and you knew it. Hell, _I'll_ be a vampire and admit it, my first ten years were SLOPPY.   
  
So, no, we never were enemies, and given another century, we probably would have gotten along. Funny thing is, vampires don't plan for when eternity runs out.   
  
Why did I stay with Angelus for so long? Because he loved me, he worshipped me, and I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Angel hurt me, but Angelus never did. Souls are funny creatures.   
  
And I'm sorry, Spike, I'm sorry I wasn't a better teacher, that I didn't help you with the Slayer. It was a proper ending, but I wish you hadn't chosen the sunbathing path.   
  
Death is just the beginning, Spike, I should know, I'm back again. I had a baby boy; did you know that? A human baby, soul included, and I staked myself to save it. So, I suppose, death is just the next stage of survival; when life is too hard.   
  
Your almost-loving Great-Grandsire, Darla 


	3. Escape

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em! At least all the normal characters you recognize, I'm just borrowing the said characters. If I owned them, you could guarantee BtVS wouldn't be nearly such a good show as it is now! The story, my ego, and my soul belong to me, but if you want to give a kind donation, *ahem* I'll loan 'em out! LOL. J/K.   
  
Author's Notes: This is the third in a series of letters between the most unlikely, and likely people. There will be four in the "Passion for Death" series: Drive, Reasons, Escape, and Heaven. The first is from Spike's POV, the second is from Darla's POV, the third is from Buffy's POV, and the fourth is from Dawn's POV. These four characters will have more in common then you first would suspect. NO PAIRINGS.   
  
Summary: Buffy clears up some things to the one person she owes an explanation.   
  
Song: "You better lose yourself in the moment… you only get one shot, do not miss your chance…" Lose Yourself - Eminem   
  
Rating: 14-A for slight language and violence**   
  


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Escape  
Third in the "Passion For Death" series  
By ~Delenn~

  
  
  
  
Dearest Little Sister,   
  
I know you must hate me by now. What with all that they've told you, and I'm sure they've told you _everything_. You have a right to hate me, you know. I mean, it's okay, to be angry.   
  
I want you to know, it never mattered to me that you were the key. I wanted to watch you grow up and have a normal life before, and I want you to now.   
  
It's just; you know how hard it's been for me. Years, never ending, Dawn, one day off a year, and they never could take that day off. I had to face that it wasn't going to change, wasn't going to stop, and I wasn't going to make a difference. I'm one in a long line that will keep continuing.   
  
And I know that this is the part you don't understand, you can't see how I changed from seeing the good fight, the right fight, to seeing hell. I mean, I slept with Spike, and as much as you liked him, he was a demon, a soulless demon, and I knew better.   
  
The thing that changed was, I died.   
  
You can't possibly understand what that was like. I knew could see all the Slayers from the past, I could hear what happened to them, and I saw the girls who would succeed us into the future. I was in heaven, and I knew that I wasn't the puzzle, I was one piece, and I'd been put in my place, done my part. It was my time to rest.   
  
I've been so tired for so long now, Dawn. Then, I was back. Back to a life that I knew had no meaning, that had already been fit into the puzzle, back to the never ending fight. That's all I do, I fight, and I'm so tired of it.   
  
Everything's been so hard when I came back, hell, even Giles left me. And I know that I'm weak now, I'm the Slayer, but I'm human too, and humans are weak. My weakness, it's hurt you, I know it has, and you **should** blame me!   
  
What happened with Spike, when we were sleeping together, it wasn't like you imagined. It wasn't the romantic fairytale ending you wanted to see. I hurt Spike, and he hurt me. Even when we were… *ahem*… together… we hurt each other. There's a little more to it then just being opposites, slayer and vampire… fate kind of stepped in and said a resounding **no.** And it wasn't like when we were fighting always, not physical, not even always emotional…. **argh!** It's really hard to explain. Can you take my word for it?   
  
Then… I mean if you can't understand what we had, you have no chance of realizing what it was like. I know they told you what he did. I know you don't want to talk about it, or even think about it, and I know you really, really hate him. Like, death threat, hate him. I don't, hate him, you know. I mean it hurt me; oh god, he hurt me so bad. That's when I realized that I loved him; I just never wanted to admit it, for obvious reasons. But I get it now, why it hurt him so much with my denial. I'll never forgive him though, evil soulless thing or no! And my body, I know they told you, I wasn't in that great of shape. Now like I was going to get up the next morning after a hot bath and be all fine, thank you Slayer healing. It was… brutal… there wasn't any getting up from that, literally.   
  
I know all this doesn't make it better, doesn't take away the fact that I left you all alone. I'm sorry, so sorry, that I left you alone, Dawn. I just… I'm weak, and I needed to escape for a long time, since they brought me back, I've needed to escape. Not you, never you, just life. And after… that… I couldn't be here anymore, even if that meant leaving you.   
  
I just, I want you to know, I'm back in heaven, and I love you with all my heart. I know I don't deserve heaven for leaving you, but I'm here, I'm fine. Tell Willow that if she brings me back I'm going to kill her with my bare hands! I'm joking, kinda.   
  
And you're doing good, right? Life is normal? You're living with Willow and Tara, I hope, I wanted that in my note. They're taking care of you, better care then I did. Tell Tara I'm sorry I she found my body, tell Giles I'm sorry I left, and tell Xander I'm sorry there was no note.   
  
Your Loving Big Sister - Buffy 


	4. Heaven

**Disclaimer: I don't own 'em! At least all the normal characters you recognize, I'm just borrowing the said characters. If I owned them, you could guarantee BtVS wouldn't be nearly such a good show as it is now! The story, my ego, and my soul belong to me, but if you want to give a kind donation, *ahem* I'll loan 'em out! LOL. J/K.   
  
Author's Notes: This is the last in a series of letters between the most unlikely, and likely people. There will be four in the "Passion for Death" series: Drive, Reasons, Escape, and Heaven. The first is from Spike's POV, the second is from Darla's POV, the third is from Buffy's POV, and the fourth is from Dawn's POV. These four characters will have more in common then you first would suspect. NO PAIRINGS.   
  
Summary: Dawn has a lot of questions, but is there really room in her heart to hate?   
  
Song: "You better lose yourself in the moment… you only get one shot, do not miss your chance…" Lose Yourself - Eminem   
  
Rating: 14-A for language and slight violence**   
  


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Heaven   
Fourth in the "Passion For Death" series  
By ~Delenn~

  
  
  
  
Sister,   
  
I'm really, really, really mad at you! I mean, REALLY MAD! But I don't hate you. I couldn't. Not ever. And truthfully, I'm probably more mad at Xander and all them for feeling the need for sharing all the icky details with me.   
  
And now I guess I have to say the adult thing, now that you can't repeat it. You can't repeat anything, right? I mean, to us down here? You better not. Anyway, I know that you always loved me, key or no, it wasn't you that I thought hated me, it was me. I know that, just, ya know, not something I like to admit. Don't worry, it'll never happen again.   
  
Buffy! I don't _WANT_ a normal life! That's what you never got! I'm still the key; I'm still the Slayer's little sister, and I don't want to be normal. That was your dream; never mine. Who wanted to go patrolling with whom remember?   
  
You're right, I don't understand. I still don't get it. I mean; I know you died, but you went to HEAVEN, not hell, so why couldn't you still see the good fight? Oh yeah, I forgot, we were your hell. Gee, aren't you just the most loving sister?   
  
And yeah, you slept with _him_, but you liked him, I did too. Don't pull that evil demon crap with me, Anya was an evil demon, so was Angel, I don't care about the soul. Look at what Angel did to you? Kind of important part of the curse to leave out, don't you think? And so what if I wasn't there, I still remember it all, you know.   
  
What I don't get is why you just gave in, accepted defeat, accepted death, accepted that your role was over. How could you know for sure? You got brought back, didn't you? Ever think that that was part of the plan too? No, of course you didn't. How could being with us in _hell_ be part of your divine destiny.   
  
Like you said, you're the Slayer, it's what you do, you fight. But you never once fought for your life, fought to be with me then. Why, Buffy? That's what I don't understand. You were just a shell when you came back. I know it was hard, but damn, you should have fought for life, not just for the end of the battle. That's the same, human, key, or Slayer; the fight is the same as the weakness.   
  
Can you say _way_ too much information? Couldn't you even let me think that it was the fairytale that I wanted in the beginning, even if it didn't have a happy ending. Or maybe it did, didn't you both get what you wanted? You hurt each other; I get it, fine. But Buffy, you never wanted to be back, you still wanted to be dead, and without you, _he_ wanted to be dead. I should know, I spent the summer in fear that _he_ would leave like you had.   
  
You're right though, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to _think_ about it! I want to know that _he_ was wrong and evil and it was horrible, I want to hate _him_. It's hard, I mean, I _knew_ I loved _him_, like a brother, someone I could tell anything. Someone I trusted. But I guess I didn't know _him_ at all, did I? I never thought _he_'d do that to you, I believed that _he_ loved you!   
  
I get that it hurt you; it hurt me, after the fact. Yeah you loved _him_, you would have forgiven _him_ too, wouldn't you? We all would have. Well, maybe not Xander, but then you probably never would have told him, would you? I know you think you wouldn't have, but you're wrong. We loved _him_, remember?   
  
And maybe it would have just been because you would have sat down with me, and talked about whatever you two did to each other beforehand. We could have figured it out. Done the death threat thing together, forgiven, and never forgotten. Maybe you would have pulled me back and let him explain before I staked him. Hmm? See, Buffy, this is what I'm mad at you for. It was all so simple, wasn't it? _He_ does that to you, you kill _him_, you kill yourself. Buffy gets to go back to heaven and Spike doesn't have to live without her. Sounds to me like you both got what you wanted.   
  
If it was so brutal, why didn't you stop _him_? I mean, you've been stronger then _him_ before. And why did _he_ do that!? I WANT TO KNOW, and nobody can tell me!   
  
Great, now I sound like I blame you. I don't. I mean, god, how could either of us have known?! It's just, I miss you, and I miss what could have happened. Don't forget, I've had lots of time to plan out other scenarios that never would have worked in real life. Because in real life, you staked _him_, then you killed yourself. Or staked yourself actually… some sort of poetic ending or something, right?   
  
So while I haven't, WON'T forgive _him_, I've forgiven you for leaving me. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if you were still here, but I'll take a wild guess that shell-Buffy was nothing compared to who that would have been. I'm just talking personality wise too, they did tell me a bit about why there had to be a closed casket. Okay, so they told me everything. I just hope _he_ looked like shit before the dust hit the floor. Sorry, I know you'll flip up there over all this swearing. I am sixteen now though!   
  
I know that you love me, Buffy; I love you too, always and forever. What's it like up there? I mean, you're happy. But what is Heaven really like. Is it nice, is it peaceful, is it everything you wanted or everything you deserved? Because if it's the second, then it's gotta be damn nice! You deserve lots Buffy; I DO understand why you had to leave me.   
  
I'll pass on the message to Willow, but I wouldn't worry about her and magic's, Tara's keeping her eye out on Willow. And without you; I have to say, the gang is pretty trashed. All of us, we miss you so much, it's hard, you know? Especially for poor Tara, finding you wasn't the best good night, I guess.   
  
I'm doing good, I miss you though. Life is as normal as it can be, did you know the hellmouth closed? Just like that. Another one opened up somewhere else and the two new Slayers (apparently there was one from when you went to heaven last time, too) are busy elsewhere. Without the demons, Sunnydale is pretty boring, but it's nice not being afraid to walk at night.   
  
I'm living with Will and Tara, yeah, and they're being great to me. Pancake breakfasts every morning. I swear; I'll be really fat soon! But they take good care of me, just like you did. It's okay about the note, by the way, everyone understood. Gory details, remember?   
  
I'll pass on all the messages, and I'm sure Giles will want to see the letter. That's okay, right… if I show the letter to everyone? They need to hear your goodbye.   
  
Your devoted little sister, Dawn 


End file.
